Accomplishing Retirement: a Dilemma

The adjustment to retirement is very interesting (51 days in so far). While there is much to recommend it, I am confronted with feelings of guilt for not being productive in service to goals and obligations outside myself.

I spent the last week making and hanging new curtains for my front bay window.DSC00478

I went to lectures on the Milky Way and the La Brea Tar Pits at the Natural History Museum, attended an astounding concert by Benjamin Bagby singing/reciting Beowulf in Old English, put on by Apollo’s Fire, and saw a movie in the middle of the day (Bridge of Spies – worth seeing). I finished a novel by Sarah Braunstein (The Sweet Relief of Missing Children) and started another by Irish writer Dermot Healy (A Goat’s Song).  I mulched and trimmed the garden for winter, made giant pots of soup and stew for the coming cold weeks, bought and assembled a new, cushy office chair and a desk to replace the decrepit one I’ve been carting around for 15 years. DSC00483 I went to the gym twice and tried and failed to write a poem to fulfill an assignment from my writing group. Among other things.

And it feels like I haven’t accomplished anything. I’ve done stuff, but what have I accomplished?  What, beyond things that made me happy, that satisfied my personal needs, have I accomplished

I was having lunch with a friend, also retired, and musing on this matter, and we thought that those of us who have spent their working years in service to a cause they were passionate about, may be similarly plagued with this odd kind of selfish guilt upon retirement. We wondered if folks who had made their living from work that had no deep personal meaning felt differently when they retired—could go play golf all day, travel, etc., and feel they deserved to have all their time for themselves.

That’s probably a simplistic and maybe rather arrogant musing. People volunteer all the time for things they care about.  They get involved in their church, do all kinds of things that go beyond self-indulgence.  Truth be told, I will too, I am sure.  But what?  Maybe that’s what’s bothering me. I don’t have a plan; not working toward a goal.

Our society and our economy are rooted in the Puritan concept of the productivity of the individual.  We work harder and longer than people in any other culture. At the same time, we are a consumer society, one that constantly flirts with hedonism as a defining value.  It’s sort of a vicious cycle: produce stuff so you can be happy consuming stuff.  Service is not a valued part of the economic equation.  Yet service satisfies at a deeper level than consumption, doesn’t it?  But its rewards are not necessarily monetary and so are less valued in our capitalistic culture.  Perhaps that’s why the on-profit sector too often finds it so hard to make its case for what it contributes/produces.

I get Social Security payments now, each month.  On the one hand, I know the payments I made into that system over the 57 years that worked (I had a paper route as a youngster) have earned that money.  But it still feels a little like pay for no work.

Well, as I said, I’m only a month and a half into my retirement.  Perhaps I’ll take it a little easy on myself. I have always been able to find and follow my passions.  The problem is, I have a lot of passions.  The dilemma is choosong what to throw myself into now.

I promised myself—and have told anyone who asked me “what’s next”—that I did not intend to think about that question until after the first of the year.  Perhaps that’s the best goal I might try to accomplish right now.

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